Off to Amherst, MA for the night: Vegan Pizza and awkward times.
Bethlehem, PA tomorrow: Vegan Treats, Skateboards, Punk
Someone should seriously text me and get my mind off of bullshit though.
315-243-6890 (I’m sure I’ll regret this decision, fuck it for now.)
I DID NOT SLEEP WELL.
I HAD REALLY BAD DREAMS.
THIS “GIVING LIFE ANOTHER TRY” THING
IS ALREADY THE FUCKING WORST.
MAYBE ITS LIKE AN ADDICTION
AND I’M GOING THROUGH WITHDRAWAL
I’M SWEATING, CRYING, BREATHING HEAVY
AND I CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT YOU.
The next three days will be spent playing stoner riffs and eating a retarded amount of vegan food in three different states with Oak and Bone
Guess I almost let a few people down.
I’m sorry.
Well, I guess that didn’t work.
I got rid of everything and tried falling back onto one person.
One person who I no longer mean anything to.
One person who no matter what she say’s, will never change.
Won’t change our plans last minute again, won’t ditch me again, won’t ignore me anymore, will always be there for me, who I can talk to whenever I need to.
It is always the same. I’m not worth it.
I’ve tried my hardest these last few years to stay alive.
Two nights ago was the ‘final’ straw. We were going to hang out before you left for a few weeks. When it came time to do so, you told me no and made a million differing excuses. Earlier that day you had even had me buy you things for the night. You made every silly nonsensical excuse a drunk person can make that a sober person will see right through. I did everything in my power to fix it and to see you on your terms for the next three hours. You strung me along until 3:00am. I had to call to you at that point just to say good bye. You refused and told me to fuck off.
What you didn’t know until about an hour later was that I had taken an entire container of something that would kill me. I sat on my computer deleting anything you wouldn’t want someone to find when I was gone. I stumbled upon about thirty videos you made for me on my birthday. I sat there crying and realizing you were all I had left and that I needed to get you back and make things work. I was fucked up and not thinking correctly because when you did find out you told me to fuck off and that you hated me.
I laid there slipping away and all you could tell me was that you hated me. I begged you to bring me to the hospital or to call someone and you kept repeating the same things. How it wasn’t your problem and to fuck off because you hate me. Those could have been the last words I ever heard you say to me. And all I wanted was just to see you for two seconds to say goodbye. As soon as you’re drunk I’m the worst person ever and you can’t be bothered with the person you said you’d always be there for. You apparently called 911 and I spent the next few hours lying through my teeth to every cop, EMT, doctor, nurse and nun I saw between bouts of unconsciousness. I’m not a good liar when I’m not all there.
I spent from around 6am until 1pm in the emergency room in and out of consciousness. As soon as I was sort of awake and had thrown up enough throughout the night because of whatever they gave me, they brought me to cpep.
After waiting there for four hours in the cold room, I left. Thankfully the hospital’s communication is terrible because they weren’t supposed to let me walk out.
To be clear, I didn’t try to kill myself because someone wouldn’t talk to me.
I’m not that selfish or immature. That person was just the only sort of link to the real world I had left. The voices are back. My mind and body are still weakened from the attempt. We’ll see what these next few weeks bring and if I can manage to keep myself alive long enough to see them through.
THIS IS MY LAST POST.
BY JUNE 9TH I WILL HAVE EFFECTIVELY DISMANTLED THE REMAINING SOCIAL MEDIA
THAT KEEPS ME IN TOUCH WITH SOCIETY.
DELETED INSTAGRAM.
DELETING FACEBOOK.
NOT POSTING HERE ANYMORE.
DEACTIVATING MY PHONE.
THERE WILL BE NO GETTING A HOLD OF ME.
THIS ISN’T AN ATTEMPT AT BETTERING MYSELF.
THESE ARE A FEW OF THE FINAL STEPS TO REMOVING MYSELF FROM SOCIETY ENTIRELY.
ALL THAT’S LEFT AFTER THIS IS COLLEGE AND WORK.
GOOD LUCK TO ALL OF YOU.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE ME ONE LAST TIME BEFORE I DISAPPEAR,
COME TO THE LAST SHOW FOR BOTH OF MY BANDS. (FLIER IS ATTACHED)
SYRACUSE, KILL YOURSELF.
FEELINGS ARE TORTURE.
I AM GLAD THAT FORMER LOVERS AND FRIENDS HAVE BEEN ABLE TO FIND LOVE
AND HAVE BEEN ABLE TO MOVE ON AND OUT OF HERE.
LEGITIMATELY.
IT IS SELFISH OF ME TO WISH ANYTHING BUT THE BEST FOR THEM
EVEN IF THE BEST FOR THEM DOESN’T INVOLVE ME.
ALONE IS WHAT I’VE EARNED.
HOW IS IT THAT AS A TWENTY ONE YEAR OLD SINGLE MALE I MANAGE TO HAVE ZERO PEOPLE WHO WILL EITHER RESPOND TO A TEXT MESSAGE OR WILL HANG OUT WITH ME WITHOUT SOME SORT OF GUILT OR EXTERIOR MOTIVE BEING INVOLVED.
I KNOW THAT I’M NOT THAT GOOD LOOKING, THAT I’M SAD ALL OF THE TIME, AND THAT I MUST JUST BE A TERRIBLE PERSON TO BE AROUND BUT I FUCKING NEED SOMEONE HERE WITH ME.
